Mindfulness in the Midst of Mania

Sitting. It takes real effort, but I manage to channel the frantic energy through my fingers. Legs still vibrate, primal scream just below my throat wanting a release… but I’m managing.

I need to describe this experience.

Some don’t understand what it is like, why it might be hard to function in this state. My appearance usually so put together, vocabulary large, expression articulate, well read- some professionals treat me like I don’t need help.

My limbs feel like they need a break, but my core is this ball of burning energy, demanding release through those limbs.

I vibrate. If I’m not bouncing my leg or fidgeting like crazy, I’m clenching my jaw and my fists. I’m sure it would make me look like I was about to become violent if I didn’t have such a bewildered or frightened look on my face.

I am slightly euphoric. Sights are sharper, so dazzling as to confuse me sometimes. My eyes are dry, but my brain overrides the need to close them.

I hear everything, unable to focus my hearing. Something I actually try to achieve when practicing mindfulness, but now, unable to shut it off, it is distressing. I wonder at certain things I hear around me- are people commenting on my behavior? Am I acting bizarre? “Squirrel!”

I avoid the busy streets. The way my gaze darts here and there, I worry about how strange I look. Someone comments on my lack of cold weather gear. Usual response- I’m from Ottawa. This mild weather is a break for me from winter back home… Why was my grin so exaggerated when I said that? Why did I say it so loud?

I try to feel the ground beneath my feet, be mindful of the hardness, the feel of the bumps and cracks beneath my feet… except I practically float down the sidewalk, almost gliding through the air at low altitude.

I feel as though gravity has been reduced just for me, and I could start running (that would feel SOOOO good) and not stop until I smacked into a wall or something… and then maybe plow through, I feel so powerful!

My thoughts race. I worry I can’t write them down because they come and go so fast.

I tell people this is a pleasurable experience. It is, when I don’t have roommates. When I have a safe little box to seal myself into, I don’t need to worry so much about how I look or act.

When I have a safe little hiding place, and the ball of blazing energy in my core gets too big, I sometimes fly out on my bike and go, go, go. No one sees me long enough to notice anything off, as I fly by at impossible speeds for me to maintain ordinarily.

How long will it last this time?

I’m past the part of the shift in my mood where I feel creative and productive. I knew I was in that part of my cycle, but I was enjoying myself so much that the ‘peak’ in my mood just snuck up on me.

I could sense my thoughts shifting, becoming less organized. I could see it in the subtle changes in my writing- little jumps in my writing that a reader might not follow, less practical and more esoteric subjects.

I have stopped blogging on this site for long periods when my writing gets a little weird and disjointed. I have related grandiose plans that I couldn’t possibly follow through on, or started projects with all my manic energy only to have them grind to a halt during down swings in my mood.

Oh my God- I can’t sit here anymore. I gotta go!


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